COMEDY AND JOKES -10

1. WILL IT HURT MUCH, DOCTOR?


A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

2. IN THE WAITING ROOM


I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

3. THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER EXPECTANT


A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

4.BIRTH CONTROL PILLS


An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

5.AN OLD COUPLE AT THE DOCTORS


An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."

The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

6. UNETHICAL DUTIES


A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians"

7. THE DIAGNOSIS


A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

8.AFTER EFFECTS


"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

9. THE OLD FAMILY PHYSICIAN


The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son - a recent medical student. When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion.

"My boy," said the old doctor, "I'm proud of you, but Miss Ferguson's indigestion is what put you through college."

10.TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY


1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's g

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

11.MAKE YOUR THERAPIST PAY WITH THESE HANDY TIPS


1 After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"

2 Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...

3 Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.

4 Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"

5 Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.

6 Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.

7 Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.

8 Bring pots and pans and bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.

9 Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

10 Sit underneath your chair.

12.LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET


An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

COMEDY AND JOKES -9

1. A LITTLE MONKEY BUSINESS


A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a Consultant."

2. EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS


A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

3. THE SUBSTITUTE TEACHER


A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."

4. THE YOUNG BUSINESSMAN


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

5. ONE DAY WHILE SCAFFOLDING


Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

COMEDY AND JOKES - 8

Media Credit: Adam Moncure
Comedian Christian Finnegan, as seen on VH1's Best Week Ever and Comedy Central's Chapelle's Show, visited Clarkson University on Friday, January 13 to perform a comic routine in front of students in Cheel Commons. His jokes focused on North Country college life, specifically beer, sex, and Canada.

On Friday night, Christian Finnegan began this semester's lineup of comedians with an hour of jokes intended to entertain Clarkson students.

Finnegan is from Boston, though he apparently hates the Red Sox. For once we got to see a somewhat-known comedian. Every week he can be seen on VH1's Best Week Ever, and has also been featured on Comedy Central's Chapelle's Show.

The show began with Finnegan making fun of the unenthusiastic guy who introduced him, and the night continued with him making fun of himself and other random people in the audience. I was excited to see his show because I had seen him on television, but through the rest of the show I was disappointed.

Most of the jokes were about sex and beer, which probably entertain many people here at Clarkson, but I guess I am an exception. However, I do not think I am alone, because many of his jokes were received poorly. Ladies in the audience were able to experience his impression of going to the bathroom in a bar. Also, there was a vivid rendition of what it was like when one member of the audience was conceived. There were also more jokes about Canadians, which can be expected due to our close proximity to Canada, but nothing we have not heard before. Maybe it is just me, but it seems like every comedian I see at Clarkson jokes about the ratio, beer and sex, and Canada.

I am not saying I hated his routine, but for someone I can see on VH1 every week, and who on the show I think is pretty funny, his routine was disappointing. I found his impression of Vice President Dick Cheney really good. Finnegan described Cheney's "forced smile" while President Bush gives speeches, and compared the smile to what it is like when you are dating someone who embarrasses you when in public.

Maybe my standards were too high for Finnegan, and compared to some of the other comedians I have seen here he was good, but I think the ride up to Potsdam that included "a plane to a car to a van to a rickshaw" tired him out.

JOKE OF THE MONTH: JANUARY 2006

Submitted by: (squiffy)

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

COMEDY AND JOKES -7

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COMEDY AND JOKES - 6

1. The pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh . . . she got fired too."

2. Sex on a deserted island

There was a cruise ship that was going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small abandoned island.

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it.

Well time went by and of course the guys still had their 'needs'. But after a couple of years they began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.

So . . .

. . . they buried her.

3. Rodeo sex

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".

The other guy asks what the rodeo position is, and how to do it?

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - "Your sister likes this position too".....

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

4. The stowaway

A depressed young woman is so desperate that she decides to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she goes down to the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says,

"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulder and adds, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nods 'yes.' After all, what does she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brings her aboard and hides her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they make passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she is discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," says the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

5.A special frog

A girl wanted to get her boyfriend a pet for his birthday. She goes to the pet store only to find all the animals are too expensive for her budget. The owner of the pet store asks how much she has to spend. She answers, "Fifty dollars."

He tells her he has the perfect pet for her boyfriend and takes her to the back room. There sits a huge bullfrog. The owner of the store tells her its hers for only $50. She asks "Why so much for just a bullfrog?"

The owner tells her, "He is a special frog... he gives blow jobs." Thinking this would be the perfect gift for the boyfriend, she buys the frog and takes him home.

The boyfriend is, at first, puzzled, by his birthday gift but the girl tells him to be patient and the idea of this monstrous amphibian sharing their home will grow on him. She is quite pleased with herself for finding such a great gift and heads off to bed early, leaving her man and his frog alone, watching television.

An hour later she is awakened by pots and pans clanking in the kitchen, so she gets up to investigate. She peeks around the corner to see her boyfriend and the frog with pots and pans scattered about the kitchen and a cookbook in front of them.

She asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

The boyfriend says,
"If I can teach this frog to cook, you're outta here!!!"

COMEDY AND JOKES - 5

1.Old lady and the vibrator

One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn't help notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than his grandmother did.

"Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v-vibrators here?"

"Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed.

"B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" asked the old lady.

"Yes ma'am, we have some like that."

"The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"

"Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want," said the young clerk.

"The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?"

"Yes ma'am we carry some like that."

"Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?"

2. The gynecologist

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so he asked her,

"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breast.

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

3. The witch doctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform for his wife. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few medications, but nothing works. Finally the doctor tells him it's all in his mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist confesses he can not figure out what is wrong. The psychiatrist decides to refer him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this!"
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish."

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a full year."

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, as he is lying in bed with his wife he says "123", and suddenly his penis gets a huge erection.

With that, his wife turns over and says,
"What did you say '123' for?"

COMEDY AND JOKES -4

sex

1. A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

2. Fred, Bob and Mike visit a whorehouse.

Fred comes out of the first bedroom and says, "She put a powdered donut on my d**k."

Bob comes out of the second bedroom and says, "She put a glazed donut on my d**k."

Mike comes out of the third bedroom, holding two dollars. Fred and Bob ask, "Did she donut you?"

"No" says Mike, "she told me to go and buy a box of Cheerios."

3.Aussie radio show

The following reportedly occurred on a radio show in Melbourne, Australia.
One of the FM stations has a competition where they phone someone up, ask them three personal questions, phone their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ...Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .....alright .....Up the ass!

RADIO SILENCE

ADVERTISEMENT

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

COMEDY AND JOKES -3

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Flying Dogs

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Little Johnny Defines God

Little Johnny asks his mother, "Is God male or female?" His mother thinks about it and replies, "Well...God is both male and fema...

What Am I?

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson in science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would...

Little Johnny Makes a Wish

One day, little Johnny comes home from school and says, "Mom, I'm home", but gets no answer. So he goes upstairs and, through a crac...

Little Johnny Parks His Car

Little Johnny and Little Susie were playing in the sand box one day. After about 3 hours of playing, they both stood up and stripped...

Little Johnny's ABC's

One day at school, the teacher said,"Now I am going to say some alphabet letters and I want you to give me a word and sentence for e...

How To Annoy Little Johnny's Mom

Little Johnny wants to eat the double chocolate chip ice cream but his mom refuses to let him. Here's how their conversation goes : ...

Alphabet

One day Little Johnny had to go to the bathroom VERY badly. He asked his kindergarten teacher "May I PLEASE go to the bathroom?" No...

Little Johnny"s Teacher Has Something

One day in class Little Johnny's teacher said she had a new game to play. The class cheered with excitement. Teacher says, "I've g...

Little Johnny's Class Picture

Little Johnny and his classmates have their class pictures taken one Monday afternoon. Their teacher Mrs. Brown is encouraging each ...

Two Face

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To mak...

Learning by Example

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. "Johnny," she said, "You shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hea...

Little Johnny Has to Go Pee

Little Johnny tells his teacher he has to go to the bathroom. His teacher says, "OK, but first you must say the alphabet." Little Jo...

Little Johnny gotta pee

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need t...

No Baby Brother

Little Johnny walks into his parents' bedroom while they are having sex and asks, "Daddy, Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?!" the ...

Lil' Johnny on Politics

Lil' Johnny goes up to his dad and asks, "What are politics?" Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the...

Little Johnny's Questions

One day, Little Johnny accompanied his Dad to the pharmacy. While waiting in line, Little Johnny noticed a shelf full of condoms in ...

Girl trouble

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the firs...

Little Johnny's Arithmetic

One day in class, the math teacher Mrs. Brown noticed that Little Johnny was not paying attention to what she was saying. So she cal...

Not Free

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We l...

Mr. Postman

One day Little Johnny found he had the power to kill anyone by just thinking about it. First Little Johnny had an argument with his ...

Little Johnny Learns a New Word

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need t...

Lil' Johnnys Aa Bb Ccs

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when the teacher gives out a homework assignment. Each student has to pick a letter from ...

Little Johnny's Gender Lesson

One day, Little Johnny was home from school earlier than usual. Without a word, he handed his mother a note from the school principa...

Working Out of Tandem

Little Jimmy and Little Johnny, panting and pulling on their tandem bicycle, finally reached the top of a long, steep hill. "Whew...

Polysyllabic Words

A first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the chi...

Little Johnny Does Show and Tell

It's show and tell at Little Johnny's school and the teacher tells every student to bring something of their fathers. The 1st studen...

Cleaning Face

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make...

BEFORE

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell "before." He stands up and says, "Befo...

Highest Number Counted

One day little Billy was trying to impress his father by showing him how good he was at counting. Soon the father asked Billy what ...

johnny go deeper

there was this boy named johnny go deeper and his dad was the prinsible and the bell rang after class and the teacher said johnny it...

14 year old Johnny

Little 14 year old Johnny was in his room masturbating. Suddenly, his Mother opened the door and caught him. Thinking fast, she told...

Bathroom Buddy

Little Johnny tell his mother that he really needs to use the restroom. "Hang on, I'm busy right now I'll help you in a second."...

Listening Carefully

Little Johnny was looking on the Internet for porno one day when an advertisement for a new bike came up. He clicked on it and it s...

Little Johnny Knows Big Numbers

One day the teacher asked little Johnny if he knew how to count big numbers. Little Johnny said,"Yes,I learned them from my mom and ...

COMEDY AND JOKES - 2

1.Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.”

2. A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

3.Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”

The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”

The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

4. A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

“What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses.

The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

Frank

5.A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

6.
Power of Deduction

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.

7. Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"

The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."

"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

8. A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

9.
A lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo a picture of Robert Redford on her right upper thigh and a picture of Paul Newman on her left upper thigh.

The artist does so, and when he finishes hands her a mirror so she can inspect the work.

She looks at the left thigh and says, "Wow! That’s definitely Paul Newman. Just look at those blue eyes." Then she looks at the right thigh and complains, "That doesn’t look like Robert Redford."

The artist disagrees and says they need to find an impartial judge.

They go to the bar next door and ask the first guy they meet to identify the tattoos. She raises her skirt and drops her panties, and he gets his face up close and says, "Well, ma’am, the one on your left thigh is definitely Paul Newman. He even has the blue eyes. The one on your right I’m not sure about—but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."

10. A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving."

Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"

"It’s O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

"So far…ten gallons."

COMEDY AND JOKES - 1

October 16, 2008
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Clark Duke looks a little weirded out. Clark Duke looks a little weirded out.

Credit: courtesy Seville Pictures
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The past few decades have seen the dusting-off of old tried and true movie genres. Chicago brought the musical back to prominence. Unforgiven showed the world that westerns can still kick ass. More recently, directors like Judd Apatow have dusted off an '80s staple-- the sex comedy-- leading to a slew of imitators. Some, like Sex Drive, have fared better than others.

The big-budget debut of writer/director Sean Anders and co-writer John Morris, Sex Drive tells the tale of Ian (John Zuckerman), a virginal teenager desperate to get laid. His prospects seem dismal, with his best friend Lance (Clark Duke) being a chick magnet and his best prospect, his other friend Felicia (Amanda Crew), perpetually interested in other guys. Fate hands Ian a golden opportunity on the gilded wings of the Internet when he meets "Ms. Tasty" online and-- with the goading of Lance-- steals his brother's (James Marsden) 1969 GTO to head across state lines to sleep with her.

Sex Drive is a strange movie. On one level, it's a funny comedy. The dialogue in the film snaps and crackles, including some truly inspired one-liners. The road trip element of the film is fairly cliche, but there are a series of increasingly insane side-trips-- involving hitchhikers, indecent exposure and glory holes-- that alleviate the film from comedic mediocrity to the cusp of greatness.

On the other hand, the film has a problem shifting gears. Unsure as to whether he's making a teen romance or a sex comedy, Anders tries to do both. The result features Ian's awkward attempts at romance alternating with sequences involving prison, infidelity and masturbation. The mix of the two flavours is not pleasant.

However, on the whole, Sex Drive works and it's largely because of the commitment of the cast to the material. Baby-faced lead Josh Zuckerman looks just like American Pie star Thomas Ian Nicholas-- the bland one that tried to have sex with Tara Reid-- and maintains a kind of earnest likability, even when the script asks him to do some really weird stuff. Amanda Crew allows herself to become the butt of many, many jokes through the film and has great chemistry with the other leads. Michael Cera's buddy Clark Duke, making his feature film debut, steals the vast majority of scenes with his suave charm. Most surprisingly, James Marsden and Seth Green have fantastic performances in supporting roles-- Marsden as Ian's homophobic older brother and Green as a terminally-sarcastic Amish man.

Nothing in Sex Drive hasn't been done before. The "boy drives far to get girl" plot was done as well as it could be in the 1980s with The Sure Thing. Luckily, the makers of Sex Drive are perfectly aware of that fact and, while the plot is paint-by-numbers and the characters aren't original, the film manages to be creative with the smaller details of the film enough to make it interesting. Those looking for romance should look elsewhere, but those willing to laugh at the misfortunes of others might find Sex Drive right up their alley.